The Boy Who Lived, You Know Who and An Old Coot with too Many Names
by Fantasywings7
Summary: A short ficlet looking back at the Harry Potter adventure, its villain, the hero and his so-called mentor, focusing on the first book in particular. I truly love the books, don't get me wrong, but admit it, when looking closely at the story in the back mirror, there are some crazy things going on ... Harry really had his hands full, hadn't he?
Disclaimer: All things Harry Potter belong to J.K Rowling, I am just playing around with her characters.

A/N: I am not a native speaker of English, please excuse my mistakes.

My very first fanfic: A short one-shot, maybe slightly cracky ficlet looking back on the Harry Potter novels, the villain, the hero and his supposed mentor, focusing on the first book in particular. I truly love the books, don't get me wrong, but admit it, when looking closely at the story in the back mirror, there are some crazy things going on …. Looking forward to hear what you all think, please R&R.

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 **The Boy–Who–Lived, You–Know–Who and An Old Coot with too Many Names**

Once upon a time there was a boy named Harry Potter, or the "Boy–Who–Lived". You see, everyone was in awe of this little boy.

Although he himself could not remember it, as a mere infant he apparently defeated the darkest, most dangerous wizard of his time, or as he is more commonly known, "You–Know–Who". Yes, it appears that everyone in this time and age preferred to use pseudonyms, both in regards to their hero and their villain.

However, the dark wizard himself preferred the epithet Lord Voldemort, weird name, I know, but you see, most of all he feared death, and he did everything in his power to avoid it, even dividing his soul into several pieces … seven to be exact ( or so he thought), hiding them in inanimate objects … binding him to this earth. Sounds mad, I know, and he eventually lost his mind, but some people will do just anything to hang on to this earthly existence, even to the price of drinking unicorn blood, even if that particular plan backfired.

Very few knew of his very ordinary real first name, Tom, after his very mundane, unmagical father, the son of the rather unpopular landlord of the small, small village Little Hangleton, Mr. Tom Riddle Senior, who abandoned his cross-eyed, witch wife from the outcast family of Gaunt, along with his unborn son, when the love potion wore off.

The only one who did not fear to use Tom Riddle Junior's self-fabricated name, or rather title, was dear old Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards and Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, long name, and complicated titles, I know. He was more commonly known as Professor Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It is said that he often hummed to himself as a bumblebee, so I guess the name fitted him.

Believe it or not … Once upon a time, he was actually our antagonist's teacher, and the one who first introduced him to magic. A Father Christmas looking figure, with a long silver white beard, so long he could tuck it into his belt, blue madly twinkling eyes, a love of candy, lemon drops in particular, and no fashion sense at all, considering the odd mix of bright colors he wore. Above his left knee he had a scar in the shape of the London underground, though it is unclear what use it served, as he mostly apparated (that is, magical instant travel, a kind of jumping from one place to another, kind of Star Trek style).

Back to our hero, the "Boy–Who–Lived", while preferring his very common given name, Harry, he soon resigned to his unfortunate fate in being famous for something he could not remember, defeating old Voldy (albeit temporarily, but no one knew that for sure, except maybe old Dumbly), thus accepting his maybe slightly, inadvertently mocking epithet. You see, his miraculous survival was at the cost of both of his parents' lives, leaving him an orphan, thus old Dumbly got the splendid, brilliant idea to raise him far, far away from all that, at the home of his very much mundane aunt and uncle, who were priding themselves of being perfectly normal, thank you very much.

Imagine aunt Petunia Dursley, when to her utterly surprise, she one morning instead of a milk bottle, found a one year old baby boy on her doorstep. A child, oblivious to the celebrations that had taken place in his honor, a baby lying alone in a basket with nothing but a blanket and a note declaring he was her despised and now dead witch sister's son, whom she was obligated to take into her care, by the order of the Supreme Mugwup. Maybe not one of his brightest ideas …. Considering that the poor "Boy–Who–Lived" was left to grow up in a cupboard under the stairs until the age of eleven … living on the scraps left by his increasingly overweight cousin.

His life made a dramatic turn, however, when on his eleventh birthday a huge giant (actually, he was a half-giant, but Harry did not find that out until much later) named Rubeus Hagrid appeared to bring him his acceptance letter to Dumbledore's magical school, while promptly giving Harry's cousin Dudley a fitting pigtail with the help of his pink umbrella almost scaring his parents to death. It turned out the giant was sent by dear old Dumbly, and besides introducing the little "Boy–Who–Lived" into the wizarding world, now slowly realizing his fame for something he could not remember, the giant man also had a mission to the wizarding bank on behalf of his boss, of course peeking little Harry's interest … could it have been intentional …?

You see, it later turned out that dark wizards tried to steal the very thing that Hagrid that day fetched from Gringotts on Dumbly's command. He had orders to bring the coveted item to Hogwarts, to be guarded by a very large three headed dog, by Hagrid called Fluffy, of all things … Yes, you heard me correctly; Dumbly actually kept an enormous three headed dog in his school, on the third floor, in a school full of children the age of eleven to seventeen, guarding a dangerous magical artefact …

Remember, dear old Voldy's highest desire was to escape death, and the very thing hidden in the school was no less than the Philosopher's stone, with the ability to provide the elixir of life to its owner.

Voldy, now reduced to something a just little more than a ghost by his own backfiring spell when trying to kill the "Boy–Who–Lived", was actually now in fact clinging to the back of the head of one of the teachers, hidden behind a huge lilac turban, wonder why Dumbly did not notice that sooner …? However, our hero, Harry the orphan "Boy–Who–Lived", did of course defeat the darkest, most dangerous wizard of his time at the tender age of eleven, on a day when Dumbly was conveniently gone and the adults in general oblivious to what was going on in their school … Not until afterwards … when they found the host teacher dead in the secret chamber underground, burned to death, and an unconscious boy clutching a red stone in his hand.

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